Bleeding-heart Labor luvvies have been heartbroken by the government's recent 'getting tough on immigration' line – but they needn't worry, it's just a sham. Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood has even reportedly been battling a Labor backlash over plans to “restore order and control” to the asylum system.
Apoplectic backbenchers, as red in the face as their flags, blasted the “shameful” package aiming to make it easier to deport those with no legal right to be here, like violent criminals and convicted sex attackers. Allies of Ms Mahmood warn of “dark forces” being unleashed if Labor fails to tackle voters' concerns amid the soaring popularity of Reform UK's immigration policies.
But judging by what's coming out of an Army training camp in Crowborough, East Sussex, set to house 540 “service users” (migrants) – the backbenchers needn't have gotten into such a frenzied froth.
That's because Labor chiefs – aware of the rage at migrants who arrive here illegally on boats being put up in half-decent hotels that once housed weddings – have come up with a cunning proposal.
Why not instead house small boat migrants and asylum seekers – 76 percent being single men aged 18+ and supposedly fleeing war zones in Iran, Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and Eritrea according to the University of Oxford's Migration Observatory – in an Army base surrounded by barbed wire and reminders of past military conflicts?!
To cheer the glum migrants up on arrival at Crowborough Training Camp, it appears Labor will transform it into a 'Hi-de-Hi!'-style holiday camp like the fictional 'Maplins' from the daft 1980s BBC sitcom.
Jobs have already been advertised for a £32,000-a-year “activity coordinator” who will organize art classes and well-being sessions.
There will also be language lessons, sports and cultural events – maybe a bit like those run by Hi-de-Hi Yellowcoat Spike Dixon (played by Jeffrey Holland).
I'm imagining Maplin's entertainment chief Ted Bovis (played by the late Paul Shane) lining up migrants for a knobbly-knees contest, followed by a tango lesson led by Maplin's snooty ballroom experts Yvonne and Barry Stuart-Hargreaves.
The training camp's “weekly and monthly calendar of activities” are being advertised as needing to be “inclusive, culturally sensitive and aligned with migrants' needs and interests”. So bingo then.
Other jobs will include five site managers on up to £60,000 a year, a security team leader on £44,000, and 15 security officers on £35,000.
Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp said: “The British people are sick of this madness. Families are struggling with the cost of living. The taxpayers footing the bill are told there's no money for local policing or housing.
“But somehow there's always room in the budget for activities for those who broke into Britain.”
Fears over the influx of bored young men wandering round their small town, recently saw angry protesters carrying numbered cards — one for each asylum seeker due to move in there from the end of this month.
They say they fear for the safety of women and children and police were seen handing out rape alarms in the town last weekend – though they insisted it was not connected to the influx of men.
The Home Office has stressed it is cutting down the number of illegal migrants put up in hotels, adding: “Basic activities and services may be provided while asylum seekers await their claim and are unable to work.”
But Kim Bailey, chair of campaign group Crowborough Shield, said: “If everything is 'safe, legal and compliant', why do women in a sleepy little town like Crowborough need rape alarms?”
The only difference between this cushy camp farce and Hi-de-Hi! is that one's a rib-tickling farce – and the other is an old TV BBC comedy show.